FUNKY FOURTH EDITION

On with the motley...

Against all that could be considered reasonably sane in the world, I find myself persisting with the fetid, unloved pile of excrement that is otherwise known as the "LB Tabloid" despite the fact that much of the world couldn't give a rat's kidney whether I do or not. So few people even noticed the third of these merry smorgasbords when it appeared that an awful lot of the buffet ended up spoiled. On the plus side, it does mean I can get away with metaphorical murder when I write these most meandering of musings, but then I even take my alliteration just too far...

Nevertheless, and casting a sideways glance in the direction of Saint Jude, we find ourselves with another list of excuses to launch into what is increasingly looking like the most lost of all causes.

So, without further ado, and with a huge sigh recognising that we are accepting the utter pointlessness of the exercise, these are the latest collections from the sink trap of life in Lesser Blogfordshire that have been rattling my braincell over the past few days and (in some cases) weeks.

MOST POPULAR SISTER

So Pippa pips Kate as the "most popular sister" (Yahoo News 27 May 2011). Well, not in my house she doesn't, whoever she might be. Perhaps I should start reading beyond the headline when it comes to articles about obscure celebrities I've hardly even heard of...? Anyway, I'll granted you that there aren't that many candidates for "most popular sister" in the collective genetic groups of the inhabitants of this particular outpost of insanity, in fact ultimately there's a field of only one, although even that particular sister did have a few moments across the years where she still might have struggled to win the contest, but life moves along and we all mellow with age.

However  this whole notion of sibling rivalry can be so destructive. Surely none of us should ever have to feel that we are not the favourite or that our brothers and sisters are more popular than we are? Of such things are the plots of "Midsomer Murders" made...

The other side of that coin is the families who are so cloyingly supportive of each other that it makes my teeth ache just to think about it. I've known families that are so blind to each others faults that they will take it as a personal affront to be criticised by anyone, and whilst it must be great to feel that you have some unconditional support, it does tend to skew your own worldview about your own shortcomings, which can lead to some hard lessons when the world outside your immediate family isn't quite so easily convinced. Still, approaching the world with that kind of confidence probably has its upside, and I imagine it's also what the all-encompassing get out clause of "it's their loss" comes in useful for. After all, we now live in a world where everything is somebody else's fault.

The other question, of course, is why the hell people feel the need to run these pathetic and pointless little surveys anyway, after all, the terminology seems all to pot which rather negates the whole sorry exercise when you ask the 'wrong' question, but I imagine I'll return to that particular irritant at some point in the future.

ENDING A LIFE

Let me say right off the bat that I know that the entire point of a murder mystery drama is that, in general, there has to have been an actual murder for there to be a story. Recently, however, I've been becoming more and more aware of just how easy the writers seem to make it for characters to justify making what should be, in real life, an almost impossible decision to reach, one made out of desperation and and not simply because someone looked at them funny.

Tragically in real life, people have died for less, of course, but when it comes to the devastating act of ending something unique and irreplaceable, I believe that we really shouldn't be so "matter of fact" about it.

NO NEW IDEAS

I recently saw a new trailer for "Neighbours" on Channel 5 in which a good-looking young man is "hilariously" transformed into the ancient form of Harold Bishop. Now, whilst I simply choosing to ignore the implicit ageism of this idea, I imagine that an eager young marketing person thought that this was a simply brilliant idea and got a room full of high fives from all their marketing chums. Personally, it all seemed slightly familiar, and anyone raving about this "brilliant" new ad should take a quick look at the opening credits for "Alexei Sayle's Stuff" made way, way back in the late 1980s. I wondered quite seriously whether his writers were getting royalties, but then I realised that they probably nicked it from someone else a generation earlier, and it was all riffing on Oscar Wilde anyway, and some similar setup could no doubt be found somewhere in Shakespeare.

FREE STUFF WITH NEWSPAPERS

Whilst we would never stoop to such blatant marketing ploys here at the "Tabloid", I have noticed recently that the various free gifts that newspapers are starting to offer to their potential readers in order to entice them into buying a copy are getting ever more bizarre.

Recently the "Daily Star" was advertising a free barbecue apron from Lidl for all their readers, which, I might say, would at least have made them easier to spot and avoid. On the same weekend, you could get free, er, bacon with the "Daily Express" and offers in the past have included items as diverse as the "Daily Mail" recently offering Jamie Oliver DVDs, and Tom Jones CDs. There was a storybook CD in the "Guardian", the possibility of real genuine cash money in the "Daily Mirror" and once even, er, a free sausage roll if you bought the "Daily Star"…

I do wonder how many more issues they actually sell with these offers? Do millions more of us buy a newspaper just because it contains a film that we might already own? But even if we didn’t, wasn't it probably because we really didn’t want it anyway...? It's also very interesting what they think is likely to entice new readers into buying their publications, and what it says about their target readership. Music, film and TV choices are probably fairly easy to narrow down, but what does a free sausage roll say about the people you want to get buying your newspaper...?

MORE CHAIR NEWS

Upon attempted delivery the chair that my mother ordered wouldn't fit through the door of the flat in its packaging, and my mother claimed that she got a string of invective from the delivery person, and a passing neighbour had to butt in and admonish the lad for "talking to an elderly lady like that". Although, when pressed, it turned out that this invective was actually directed down the phone at his colleagues at the depot, and he wasn't abusing my mother at all. However, it apparently "felt like he was" and my mother's email to the chair company now has them vowing to use another delivery company in future.

Careless talk costs business.

IN BRIEF...

Does calling someone "maestro" all the time lead to them inevitably getting some kind of mania...? I mean if a group of any talented people were contractually obliged to call you a genius then it's bound to make you get rather above yourself eventually, isn't it?

There's a new internet service provider that shows one particular image which made me think. Do people really sit on the toilet and use their laptops? Shudders at the thought. It's bad enough finding out that someone is using their mobile in the loo, but sitting there composing their emails at the same time, well it's just plain wrong. Mind you, the world portrayed in advertising is a very strange one anyway, and parts of it seem decidedly "blue collar" at times as if there's a tacit understanding that there's no real point in pointing your TV ads at anything other that the couch potato set.

In other areas, I've seen also seen the dawn moving the wrong way around the planet in the animation for a holiday advert where the animators really should have known better, and some of the slogans in car ads just smack of insanity."Without heart we would be mere machines" What the heck?? Mind you the latest nonsense from Pizza Hut about "beautiful people" doesn't send the greatest of messages about their staff either, no matter how they might dress it up. If I worked for them (and the day might still dawn...), I think I might want to fetch the owner of their advertising agency a punch up the bracket.


Here's a tweet I read last week and felt the need to pass on: "Three in 10 UK children 'own no books' http://t.co/yrgNt43 This is why we still need libraries." Something to think about, anyway...

And Finally...

As with most of the popular press (as opposed to this "unpopular" sort), here is our unique TV guide.