THRILLING THIRD EDITION!

Once more unto the breach...

Perhaps it's already obvious that we should let the much unloved "LB Tabloid" experiment quietly go off into a dark corner and die. Sometimes you get these ideas and you think that other people will find the notion just as stimulating and exciting as you do yourself, but then they don't and you find yourself really wondering well, what was the point of that?

It's also becoming ever more obvious that I'm now so far out of touch with what interests and amuses normal people (i.e. everyone else...) that whatever passes for thought inside my head is unlikely to resonate with anyone out there in the real world. The fact that highly paid and athletically built footballers occasionally sleep with people who throw themselves at them and to whom they are not married appears to be such a huge "shock" to the general public at large that it now seems to be the only sort of thing that gets the world all animated. Happily we now have mediums like this one where I can rattle on and on in relative obscurity and get it out of my system without having to waste anyone else's limited supply of precious free time.

So what's been gnawing away at my irritation centres this week...?

THE ARMCHAIR DISPUTE

Recently my aged mother failed to win an armchair. She's recently taken to entering competitions in order to hopefully supplement her limited income by getting something for nothing. As we all know, of course, just like a free lunch, "something for nothing" never really happens. However despite not having won the (probably nonexistent) "main prize" she was offered the "opportunity" to get an over-priced armchair at 35% off, which the wise old heads amongst you will already have realised was probably the purpose of the "competition" in the first place.

After a reasonable amount of gentle persuasion, my mother was convinced that inviting an over-eager salesperson to come to her home and tell her all about these chairs was not likely to be the best option. We've experienced that type of home "hard sell" before and its seldom a pleasant thing to put up with, especially if you're elderly, trusting and vulnerable. She has now been pointed in the direction of more affordable alternatives and is no doubt "silver surfing" her way to momentary happiness even as I write these words.

Sadly, this did lead to the inevitable offer that she would let me have her old armchair, which I had to decline, which didn't go down too well when I told her that we really didn't want or need it. "Most people would be glad to get some new furniture" (although "new" in this case means older than I am...) was the rather peeved response. I imagine that it's just a generational thing and dates from a time when furniture was built to last and be "handed down", but it does bring into sharp relief how very few years it has taken us to transform into the rather wasteful society with everything being so very disposable which we have become nowadays.

TRADING IN

I noticed that in these cash-strapped times, more and more companies seem to be appearing in the adverts offering to trade in your old stuff for cash. The "Not as much Cash for Gold as it's probably worth" syndrome seems to be spreading into other areas of the household. An old hoarder like me could no doubt get not very rich if I could be bothered to convert all my old tat into insignificant amounts of cash and then I could blow it all on one trip to the petrol station.

The latest one clogging up the TV advertising space seems to be offering to convert my "old" CDs and DVDs into cheques for £50. This is when I have a quiet mental earthquake when I realise that something we used to call "a record collection" (or similar) is now just something to be mined for profit. I know that I'm old fashioned, but as a committed collector, I know that I'd still rather have the stuff on a shelf to get down and listen to or watch once in a while rather than have it vaguely exist in the "cloud".

ELECTRONIC DRAWING

Talking about all things modern and new, is it me or do those various TV ads for electronic drawing things annoy anybody else? No? Just me then. I keep on seeing these gadgets and gizmos that claim to enhance drawing skills and bring families together through the medium of drawing on a screen and I really can't help but wonder quite what is wrong with the idea of some pens and a piece of paper.

The little hand held portable ones were bad enough with their green blobby trees, but now when drawing becomes a wide-screen interactive family "experience" that can't actually be stuck onto the fridge door, I do start to think that it loses something somehow. Perhaps it just seems a shame that the only way to get people interested in interacting with their children (and vice-versa) is to make it into a computer game. What was wrong with a kitchen table covered in glue and cardboard and glitter and then spending actual time making something real? Or do we simply not have the time any more to clear up after ourselves? To me, it just seems such a half-hearted way of approaching things.

Now, I'm not going to criticise anything that stimulates the creativity of anyone, but sitting alone in a room with pencils and paints and trying to work out the basic skills required to make a piece of paper into a convincing representation of a world was, to me, one of the most exciting ways of passing through my own particular childhood. Talking of which, I've been working on a bit of artwork in my spare time myself this week, which, if it turned out okay, I might even have end shared with you by now...

GORDON BROWN SPOTTED

A Gordon Brown was actually spotted at President Obama's address at Westminster Hall on Wednesday 25th May 2011. I saw him standing there in the row of past Prime Ministers and I realised that I really hadn't seen him in public for quite some time. In fact hardly at all since he was seen almost merrily skipping (well, relatively speaking of course) out of Downing Street just over a year ago.

I always had a lot of time for poor old Gordon. I sometimes think I was the only one in the entire country who did. He just seemed to be one of those "unlucky" politicians for whom nothing really seemed to go right and who, once he got into power, never seemed to be able to set his own agenda. It didn't seem to help much that the media seemed to sense that he was unpopular and the pack seemed to be circling around him almost from his first day in office.

Ultimately he does seem to have been a decent enough chap who wanted to use his position to do some good for those in society whom he he considered deserved better, but nothing much seemed to go right for him and nobody ever seemed to be given the chance to find out about any of the positive things he was trying to achieve. Instead he seems to be the comedian's, spin doctor's and headline-writer's easy target and blame figure, but it was nice to see him back on the international stage again.

THE FIRST T.M.S. OF THE SUMMER

I always approach the morning of the first test match of the summer with a slightly happy feeling in my heart, and so it was this week when the First Test Match between England (and Wales) against Sri Lanka started on a wet Thursday in Cardiff. As usual, I set up my "Radio Five Live Sports Extra" and, despite the fact that it rained all morning, once those familiar bars of "Booker T and the MGs" started playing, it was officially summer for me, and a happy few hours in the company of Aggers, C.M.J., Geoff Boycott and the rest made my working day flow much more smoothly.

My favourite moment so far was when Aggers said "...and as the sun starts to come out in Cardiff, a cloud settles in beside me. Morning, Geoffrey!..."

Genius!


KIRSTIE ALLSOPP

Why???

No, really... Why??!!

IN BRIEF...

One of the major travel companies has become the first of the mainstream travel agents to offer couples the chance to go on "child free" holidays, stating that "other people's children" are the most annoying thing that ruins people's holiday experiences. I wonder why it took them so long to notice.

Bolton and Stockport were both bidding for "city" status come the Diamond Jubilee (entries are now closed, apparently) and it was interesting to note that on the segment shown on the local news, the councillor from Bolton talked about the great people of Bolton, and the councillor from Stockport talked about ringing up Bolton and gloating when Stockport wins. Strangely enough, this pretty much convinced me that I'd rather Bolton got it.

The RHS are now running a campaign to indicate which plants are most likely to attract bees to your garden by adding a great big sticker with a picture of a bee on it and the words "perfect for pollinators" in big, friendly letters. I was more worried for their spokeswoman who, with no sense of her own peril, was walking around the BBC wearing the same label on her shirt front. I wonder if it worked for her...?

AND FINALLY...

As this is technically "page three", here's a picture of someone with their shirt off...

Marvin (33) enjoys making a splash, but we think he may be getting into deep waters here. Marvin (not his real name) is rarely seen without at least four layers of clothing to protect the world from his awfulness, but this picture was taken hundreds of miles from home and at least a decade before middle age grabbed hold of him and gave him a good wobble.

Marvin doesn't want to grow up and turn into one of those strange people hiding in an attic whose only contact with the outside world is via a keyboard.

What are the chances of that?

SIZZLING SECOND EDITION!

Here we go again...

To nobody's surprise except my own, we arrive at the (probably not actually) sizzling second edition of "The LB Tabloid" which ends up following rather more quickly on the heels of the first than was expected, and being rather less 'pithy' than I'd hoped. It seems that I really am incapable of doing 'pithy' after all. No wonder my experiments in Twitworld have been so unsuccessful.

"So, what's been troubling the fine inhabitant of Lesser Blogfordshire this week...?" I fail to hear anyone actually ask. Well, there's not been a great deal going on but, as ever, a few things popped up in the media to vex and confound me, but not enough to trigger a full-blown, all-out rant. Instead, here are a few choice nuggets that would have formed part of my day-to-day conversation, if I actually had anyone unlucky enough to be around me to talk to during my daytimes.

As you have no doubt already realised, writing rubbish on the internet that nobody actually reads is what I do instead.

PAYING BY SMARTPHONE

"Smartphone" - Blogfordshire style

When I bought my Radio Times last week, I felt that I had to apologise to the nice young fellow serving behind the counter for including 10p of the asking price in 2p pieces because that was all that I had in the pocket of the battered old hacking jacket I'd put on as I launched myself out of the front door in order to face the business of that particular day.

Later on I discovered that more and more people never seem to feel the need to carry cash at all nowadays. Yes, it's not just the Queen, or that bloke who never gets his round in any more, who can claim to be 'cash-poor' when you want to tap them for that tenner you lent them, because anyone with an all-singing, all-dancing foxy new telephone can now wave it in the air like a little Harry Potter with his wand and zap!, all the stuff you've been buying is bought and paid for.

Personally, as someone who's not even over keen on using the 'self-checkout' at the supermarkets, it isn't a step that is being greeted with the greatest enthusiasm by me, but I suppose we should embrace progress, no matter how annoying we might personally find it.

It could quite possibly make the job of the security guard all the more difficult, too, because you might be able to legitimately stuff all your purchases down the front of your jumper and claim that you were actually going to pay for them but you didn't have a bag with you.

Anyway, the real point is that I don't actually have a Smartphone which, by a ridiculous stretching of some bizarre leap of dubious internal logic now means to me that one day, unless I decide to spend a fairly large chunk of my money on something I don't really want or need, I won't have access to any of my own money. There's also the slight worry that are plenty of ways already that the world manages to find to ensure that the month seldom runs out before the end of the money as it is without some computer taking it upon itself to withdraw my cash via some random bleep when I accidentally pass some malfunctioning electronic reading device as I'm rattling my way around Tesco's.

It's no use, I'm really going to have to start calling them 'Stupidphones' because, ah, you just knew I was going to anyway, didn't you?

OLD AGE

Happily, I do tend to think that I'm old enough and ugly enough nowadays to discover that I'm rarely swayed by the presence of some kind of recognised label when I shop for clothes at least. The only jeans I have that still have a 'recognised' label have a huge hole in the knee, and any bought after those have tended to be the sort found at the cheaper end of the supermarket range. Apparently this might very well be because I'm no longer considered to be 'young', although there are few people I expect who would accept that I ever was.

Those enigmatic 'surveys' that you sometimes hear about now 'reckon' that the people of Britain have the lowest perception of the age that marks the boundary of being 'young' of any of the counties in Europe, and (surprise, surprise!) as a nation, we also set the boundary we consider people to be 'old' considerably lower, too.

Apparently to be considered 'young' in Britain you have to be less than 35, and you're "officially" old at 59. That's a pretty sobering thought to have on a grey old morning in your latish 40s, although I wonder whether if they asked the same people the same questions again in around ten years or so they'd get the same answers?

CYCLISTS vs MOTORISTS

Whilst I tend to think that it's probably only fair to describe myself as being a 'motorist' nowadays, I was, once upon a time, known to have a foot in both camps, right up until the day when someone - not necessarily later to be a famous rock star - broke into the garage I had back in those days when I lived in the relative flatness of the urban jungle, and stole my bicycle whilst, rather significantly I've always felt, leaving my car behind. Whether that means that whoever it was had a vehement dislike for the motor car, or merely that were too young to drive, will no doubt never be known.

However, the ongoing battle between the two factions does seem to be hotting up these days, and I just wanted to try and prove at least the vaguest possibility of being impartial about these matters, despite having been berated in print by a 'radical cyclist' a few years ago (it's the kind of short, but very dull story that even I would hesitate to share).

The problem really seems to come down to the fact that both sides have more than their fair share of idiots amongst their numbers. There does seem to be an accepted belief amongst cyclists that ALL motorists are careless, just as there sees to be a belief amongst motorists that ALL cyclists are less concerned than other road users with things like stop signs, crossings and other accepted 'rules of the road'. As ever, the truth falls somewhere in between, but I was interested to find out that there is now a plan being mooted that, when it comes to any road traffic accident, the larger vehicle is likely to be considered as having been in the wrong. So if a car is hit by a bus, no matter how ridiculous the car's manoeuvre, it would still be the fault of the bus driver, or if a bicycle is hit by a car it is, by default, the fault of the car driver.

Personally, I'm not convinced by this idea although, happily, the potential risk is now meaning that certain trucks are now installing cameras and other sensor equipment to help the driver to be more aware of any bicycles lurking in some of the 'blind spots' that they have. Ultimately there can be those who do wrong on both sides of this argument (try asking some pedestrians in the city centre what they think about the average cyclist, for example), but as long as everyone is trying their very best to keep everyone safe, then that can only be a good thing.

Interestingly the whole debate about cycle helmets seems to be escalating too, with many quite learned heads insisting that wearing one is no advantage when it comes to collisions. I will state that, having known some people who have had severe, life-changing disabilities following accidents in which they did not wear the helmet that could have significantly reduced their injuries, I still come down on the side which says quite categorically that the more protection you have, the safer you are, and keeping everyone safe is really what it should all be about.

LOUIS THEROUX

This week, "Louis Theroux" presents yet another of his documentaries showing life from the inside of an American prison. Oh, Louis, it seems as if you're always inside an American prison... In fact, Louis, old sport, there's not just the slightest possibility that you're actually 'in' prison is there? I'm just asking, that's all, because you do seem to spend an awful lot of time within the system for someone who doesn't have to be. I mean, it's really not the sort of place I'd imagine anyone wanted to spend any more time than they actually had to inside, is it?

I mean, there's only really one person in the world that I've found who knows how to put up with me and my little ways, and even they have started going out a lot more lately, but I'd like to think that no matter how bad my life got, I'd still rather not choose to spend any of it in an American penitentiary, or one in any other country, come to think of it.

A few things that I feel I should have remarked upon recently and then... didn't:-

The final mission of the Space Shuttle "Endeavour".

Tales of allegedly rapacious Bankers and simultaneously, the Kenneth Clark fiasco.

This rather fun link to some rather fun spoof IKEA manuals which I hope still works:
http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6500868/sci-fi-ikea-manuals

FABULOUS FIRST EDITION!

(Morning Edition)


LB Tabloid Launches today!

The cover of the early edition

Although I haven't quite decided on the format yet. The LB Tabloid is for those days when I haven't got time to give a more in-depth mulling over to my thoughts, or when I've just thought about a few things but only managed to squeeze a paragraph or so about them out of the damp sponge of my tiny brain. Publishing the LB Tabloid might go daily, weekly, or just as the mood takes me, or it might just never appear again...

We shall just have to see.

To be perfectly honest, it's more than likely to just end up pretty much the same as those Dark Tales from Lesser Blogfordshire anyway,  but in a pithier, more 'bite sized' format. Hey, I'm not dumbing things down here, I think that we're all cute enough and cuddly enough, sorry, big enough and brave enough to accept that we all have busy lives and sometimes we need things to be just that bit more 'convenient'.

Massively dreary and over-written content will still be available on a regular basis over in that dark corner of Lesser Blogfordshire, but meanwhile, over here we'll try to have just a bit more of that strangely elusive thing you earth-people like to call 'fun'.

Anyway, to start us all off, here are some recent thoughts for your consideration:

WHAT IS THE POINT OF 'LIMITED EDITION'
FOOD AND DRINK?

I've noticed rather a lot of adverts recently for food and drink where a particular flavour of biscuity snack or meat product in a bun or even a type of alcopop-style beverage is only going to be available for a limited amount of time. Now I'm no marketing expert, but what is the point of that? Why would you want to build up a certain amount of demand for a flavoursome product and then go and snatch it away from your customers a mere few weeks later?

EVERYTHING IS "JUST" HUNDREDS OF POUNDS
THESE DAYS

And whilst we're on the subject of advertising, this mad old world continues to bombard our tiny minds with endless tempting electronic treats for gaming equipment and telephones which are not only pointless and unnecessary and a symbol of a society that's much too interested in the acquisition of "stuff", but it's also being constantly touted as being "only" £300, or "just" £500, or a "bargain" at £200. Don't these people know there's a credit crunch on? Since when did those sorts of numbers become small change anyway? Not in my house, they're not (as he stuffs a hand down the back of the sofa looking for that last elusive 50p so that he can pay the milkman).

THAT BBC TV LICENCE AD

"You're busy" it says, so the dog gets the baby food and the baby gets the dog food. How flippin' hilarious! But she's not too busy to accept the phone call from her mate and sit there yapping away to her, is she, eh? There's no "I'm a responsible parent, I'll talk to you later" stuff going on in her world of obviously mixed priorities, is there?

Mixed messages, BBC! How about just putting up the caption "You're being patronised" instead?

M.E. M.E. M.E.

Last week it was M.E. Awareness day, and because I was aware that it was M.E. Awareness day, I decided to ring my friend who suffers from M.E. and make her aware that I was aware that it was M.E. Awareness day, but, as is the nature of these conversations, as you’ll no doubt already be aware, I forgot to mention it and so she remained unaware that I was aware that it was M.E. awareness day and so she may very well have remained unaware that it was M.E. Awareness day herself.

WERE 'THE WURZELS' REALLY  'THE GOODIES' IN DISGUISE?

Watching 'Top of the Pops 1976' on BBC4 this week I couldn't help but notice that those kings of the combine-harvester based novelty pop song "The Wurzels" consisted of (from the left) a short comedy performer taking his music far too seriously, a tall, slightly embarrassed looking one in the middle and a wacky blond one on the right. Strangely their arch-rivals and funky gibbon wrangling novelty pop song performers "The Goodies" had precisely the same line-up. C'mon guys, it's been 35 years now, perhaps the time has come to 'fess up...? (Coo! Look at me with all the fancy street lingo...)

HERE'S WHAT YOU MISSED OVER IN LESSER BLOGFORDSHIRE THIS WEEK:

The Lesser Blogfordshire Eurovision Song Contest 2011 preview:
http://m-a-w-h.blogspot.com/2011/05/eurovisions.html

...and a report on the aftermath:
http://m-a-w-h.blogspot.com/2011/05/random-eurovision-jottings.html

A three-part special report expose on the evils of the spoiler:
http://m-a-w-h.blogspot.com/2011/05/spoiler-alert.html
http://m-a-w-h.blogspot.com/2011/05/shhh-spoilers-part-one.html
http://m-a-w-h.blogspot.com/2011/05/shhh-spoilers-part-two.html

When "Blogger" and computers fail:
http://m-a-w-h.blogspot.com/2011/05/technofear-and-transference.html

...and we enter the private world of Holmes and Watson in the exclusive:
http://m-a-w-h.blogspot.com/2011/05/lost-watson.html

(just click on the links)

...AND IN THE LESS THAN GREAT TRADITION OF THE TABLOID, HERE'S A PICTURE OF A TOPLESS MODEL...

Airfix Saturn V with top missing